So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
