Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
