Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Drunk is not a location!
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