Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
