He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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