there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
