Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize