I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
