I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
