and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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