good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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