I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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