Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
