things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
