Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize