If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
