Got a toothbrush?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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