so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
