tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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