Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
