oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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