I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
