i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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