I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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