be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
