she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
