He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
