just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
