consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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