Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Couch. On fire.
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