you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
