I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
