Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
