Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
