So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
