You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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