I smell stomach acid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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