So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
