Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
