Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
