My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
