Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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