we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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