Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
