I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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