I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
