I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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