Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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