so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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