I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
