just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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