oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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