i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
