OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
