I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
