thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize