they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
