I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
