I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
