a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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