I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize